Sympathy vs Empathy – Accidental Counsellor Skills
As counsellors and mediators, there’s a particularly common question that comes up a lot. People often ask this when they find out what we do. You might have even wondered the same thing. It’s also a common question when we deliver our Accidental Counsellor training.
The question is this: “Wow! You must hear some intense stories… How do you cope? Does it stay with you at the end of the day?"
Our answer is usually something like… “Honestly? Occasionally, but mostly… No”.
The key to listening without taking home an emotional load is to be clear on the line between sympathy and empathy.
We are being sympathetic when we imagine what it is like to be the person who is suffering. When we feel for them as we would for ourselves. It is as if we are walking the same journey.
Sympathising can be quite a deep experience. When we are being sympathetic we can conjure up the sights, smells, sounds and emotions associated with their experience. Our imagination works overtime and we can find ourselves quite literally in their shoes. In the process we put our own mental health at risk.
The effort to provide sympathetic support is emotionally and physically exhausting and professionals who engage sympathetically find themselves at risk of burnout or vicarious trauma.
By contrast, when we are being empathetic we can describe what it is that the other person is thinking and feeling. We can listen to and acknowledge their hopes, needs and concerns. We can describe the story of their experience. BUT, we maintain a professional boundary, and clarity that it is their experience and not our own experience.
When we empathise with someone, we don’t project our own hopes, values, needs or life experiences onto their experience. We accept that we can’t and won’t take responsibility for their choices and we acknowledge their right to make and accept the consequences of the decisions they make about their own lives. This does not mean we don’t care. In fact, we care deeply about being respectful of their rights.
These are the skills that Counsellors, Mediators, HR Managers, Team Leaders, Physios, Doctors, Nurses, Hairdressers etc. need to practise every day. These are skills that anyone can learn!
There are many Accidental Counsellor courses available – including ours ?. These courses will teach you the skills you need to listen to intense stories and keep yourself emotionally safe.
The pull of imagination is powerful…. So yes…. Sometimes, we may slip into a sympathetic thought process and on those days we may find ourselves taking our work home. However, most of the time, when we stay empathetic, we can leave our work at work.
For more information about our training to develop an Accidental Counsellor skillset, click here.