I’ve been working with families who are separating or going through separation for many years now. There are a few striking images that have stayed with me – here’s what I’ve learned with some tips that might be helpful if you’re in the middle of it now…
1) The motorbike helmet(s) next to the chairs in the parenting groups
It was amazing how many guys went and got a bike after they split up. For many it was a bit of a ‘re-discovering themself’ moment, or claiming some small piece of freedom and control in the midst of chaos. And a way to blow off steam when things got tough. TIP: pick some things that make you feel better after separation and do them without making yourself feel guilty about it. This can be a strange opportunity to do something good, maybe something you’ve wanted to do for a while.
2) “I just wish they’d say hello”
So, so many children wanted the fighting to stop. Parents hear this and read it in every book there is. But when I’m sitting with a 6yo, crying their eyes out, hugging a teddy bear, it really stuck with me how important it is for parents to treat each other civilly – no matter how much hatred/loathing/pain/sadness was there. Tip: For your children’s sakes, find a way to be civil. Put aside your own needs in favour of the needs of your children. You’ll be proud of yourself when you look back on it all and hanging out with healthy, well-adjusted adult children.
3) When you get an agreement that works, life is better
I have often run into past clients 6 month to 2 years after we did their mediation. They almost always say life is better than it was then. They sleep better, enjoy friends, work is better, they’re healthier. Tip: This pain will ease up in time, so hang in there.
4) The outdoor setting
Years ago, when I was a new mediator, some clients I was working with spent almost 3 hours going back and forth about what was happening with an outdoor table and chairs (they refused to let the other have it). I can only presume it was a very nice setting, but of course what was going on was something else – not wanting to back down. They were on the verge of deciding to sell it, so no one would get it when I suggested we break. The next week, when we came back, one party had realised the didn’t want the table – they wanted an acknowledgement about an argument they had had the week before, and anyway, it probably didn’t fit in their new apartment. Thus getting the value in cash was much more useful to them – if they could get through the emotions. Tip: it’s not simply about dividing up pieces of a pie after you separate. Choose a mediator who can help you figure out what is important to you in the future – do you want to study? retire early? be involved in the kids school and extracurricular stuff? Mediators who push you to sort everything out on a single day sometimes means no one gets what they want…
5) The right lawyers help a huge amount, the wrong lawyers plant toxic seeds
You will need to get legal advice during the mediation process, particularly if property and finances are involved. Choose your lawyer carefully! They aren’t only very expensive, but will strongly shape how the settlement process goes. Some lawyers give you unrealistic expectations and assume what you need and want. Shop around, read reviews online, ask people you know for recommendations. Family Law specialists can be more expensive, but it can be worth it to make sure you’re getting the best advice possible.