For parents who are going through separation it can feel like being in the middle of a hurricane; a swirling vortex of intense emotions, stress, pressure and complications. It’s no wonder that many children end up finding out their family is splitting up in a non-ideal way, which leaves them trying to find a way to deal with things from a difficult starting place.
If you can find some helpful words and language to explain to children that you are separating, it can give them a better chance to develop a healthy way of coping. This means they can get through this difficult time in the best shape possible.
The way you explain to children that you’re separating will depend on their age, emotional maturity and other factors unique to your situation. Below are some general principles to keep in mind that can be adapted to fit what your children need.
Although we have used the terms ‘mum and dad’ in the examples, the concepts would be equally applicable to same sex relationships, step-families and other contexts.
- We haven’t been happy together and we are separating. You need to name what’s happening, but not go into details. For example, you might say, “you may have noticed we’ve been fighting a lot, and this is hard on us as well as you”. Or, “Mum and Dad used to be very happy together, but we haven’t been happy lately. We want both of us, and especially you to be happy, so we think the best way for this to happen is for us to live in separate houses.”
- It’s not your fault. Kids of all ages tend to be very ego-centric, which means that they might think they did something to cause the separation, or could have done something to prevent it. It’s important to take this weight off their shoulders. E.g. “The reason we’re splitting up is because there are some things that we don’t agree about; we just want different things. It’s not because of anything you did and not because you weren’t good enough. You’re perfect just being you.”
- We both still love you. Kids might feel a sense of fear that they will lose one or both parents. It’s important to let them know that both parents are in their lives, just in a different way. E.g. “We’re both still your Mum and Dad 100%! Even if the way you spend time with us will be different, we’ll make sure you still get to see us both as much as possible.”
- It’s ok for you to both still love us equally. It’s important to let children know that they don’t need to pick sides. Their job isn’t to be a soldier in the fight. E.g. “You don’t need to choose between us. We will figure out a way for you to spend time with both of us so we still get to connect and have fun together. We’ll do our best not to fight and try to make things as easy for you as possible”.
What then? Listen! Children might have some questions or feelings to express. Try to put aside any need to blame the other parent or react and just listen. Reflect back what the kids are saying. E.g. “it sounds like this is really hard for you and you’re sad as well as angry. That’s understandable, and I would feel the same way in your situation. Let me know if there’s something that will help to make you feel better.”
If kids ask tricky questions (which is likely), it’s fine to say you’ll get back to them. E.g. “I hear that’s something you’d like to know that’s important to you. Let me think about how to give you the best answer to that and we can talk again later.”
Give them space – particularly teenagers might want to spend some time alone and process it, cry, talk to friends, whatever. Just give them space to do this, but let them know you’re here.
Try not to let them see you upset, fighting on the phone, etc. It will be hard – but do your best. Keep the adult jobs for the adults, and the kids jobs for the kids. It isn’t the kids job to look after you, but if they see you upset they will probably feel hooked in to your issues. So look after yourself and get your own support where you can.
If you’d like some additional resources specific to your situation or if we can help you figure out the best arrangements for your children through mediation, please give us a call on 1300 163 020 or email enquiries@rebootresolve.com.au